Every day I say to myself, "after work I'm going to clean a bit."  It is rare that this actually happens.  It isn't, as some people assume, because I'm lazy.  It isn't, as other people assume, because I don't want to.  The reason it rarely happens is because I have fibromyalgia.  Fibromyalgia is basically a big name for the doctors to tell people you are going to be in constant pain for the rest of your life...sucks to be you because there is nothing we can do.  I've had fibromyalgia (or FMS) for 18 years now.  Half of my life has been spent in non-stop pain.  People just don't understand either.  They might act like they do, but I know and can see in their eyes that they are just humoring me.  So, I humor them humoring me.  FMS is impossible to explain.  It makes no sense.  I look perfectly normal.  But every minute of every day, I'm in pain.  Maddening pain.  Sometimes I want to die the physical pain is so bad.

Here is the kicker...there is nothing they can do for it.  NOTHING.  I've tried all sorts of medications, natural remedies, you name it....I've probably tried it.  Some make me feel slightly better and others make me feel worse.  Some might work for a year and then just stop working.  Most simply make me gain weight.  Currently, I'm taking medicine to help me reach the deep stage of sleep earlier in the night.  Sometimes it works.  Most of the time it doesn't.  My father is a real fan of making me feel like crap because I can't wake up in the mornings because I don't fall asleep until 4 or 5.  My boss is nice though.  I'm always late for work, but that is something he (unlike my family) is able to comprehend (either that or he is just used to it).

Even I have problems accepting it a lot of the time.  I feel inferior because my house isn't clean, or because I can't go to the movies with my friends because sitting at the movie theatre for 2 hours kills me.  I can't take road trips because I can't ride in a car for long periods of time.  I HATE being late for work and it makes ME feel like I'm lazy and pathetic a lot of the time.  After listening to people year after year tell you things like, there is nothing wrong, it is in your head, you are lazy, it starts to affect you.  I find it difficult to not hear those things in my head, but I've gotten better.  I know it isn't me.  There IS something wrong.  Just no one knows what it is.  So, I'm not inferior, I'm not lazy, I'm just trying to do the best I can.

If you'd like more information on FMS, you can find it at the Fibromyalgia Network.  It has some great links also. 

Anyway, back to my point.  As posted earlier, my goals for this weekend were to clean.  I woke up this morning feeling like a train had run over me.  I thought, well, here we go again.  I'm going to spend the whole weekend on the couch doing nothing because it hurt to move.  So, I showered, and moved my body to the couch.  Then I got hungry.  I went to get some food (because it is rare that I have the strength or energy to cook, much less stand in the kitchen to prepare a meal, so I eat out 99% of the time).  As I was driving, I realized nothing sounded good, so I came back home. 

I know I'm going to regret the decision I made at that moment, because I already am, but I decided I was going to clean.  I cleaned the bathroom (it still needs to be vacuumed but it is clean) and cleaned the kitchen.  I even mopped the kitchen.  Many of you can't even begin to understand what an accomplishment mopping is, but I mopped the kitchen.  It won't be done for another 8 months, but by god...it is mopped today!  I would love to be able to afford someone to come in and clean once a month, but that just isn't going to happen.  But I got a little done today and it makes me feel happy.  I'm in so much pain now I'm not sure what to do, but I have a clean bathroom and a clean kitchen!  Hopefully I'll be able to crawl out of bed tomorrow and make it to the couch, but if not, I HAVE A CLEAN KITCHEN AND CLEAN BATHROOM!!!!